he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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