I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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