I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
