eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
