Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
