she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
