So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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