this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Randomize
