mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
