I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
