The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize