forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
