I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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