She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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