hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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