Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
