why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
