Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Randomize
