You're my little dorito
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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