piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
