With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
