My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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