My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
