I hate all girls vehemently.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Randomize
