my phone needs a breathalizer
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
