2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
