don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Send help, water and tortillas.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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