There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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