Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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