i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
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