K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
