i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
