woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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