It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
