Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
