you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
