Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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