Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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