If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
