he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
