dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
