The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Randomize
