You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Randomize
