i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
