if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
