If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
