i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
