note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
