Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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