I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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