96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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